Twilight
Who loves sexy teenage vampires who have hot and steamy, yet not risque romances, and choose to help people rather than eat them?—pre-teens, oh yeah and—Mormons. The Twilight series of books have become somewhat of a Mormon culture phenomenon. Every young woman and their mother (literally) has read the entire four-book series, and has fallen in love with the studly Edward Cullens and his sultry lover, Bella Swan.
Stephanie Meyers, author of the bestselling Twilight series and Arizona Mormon, has become a godlike figure in the world of young women and stay-at-home mothers. The mere mention of her name, makes us jump for joy and feel the need to wait in line for hours for her to sign our books.
When I went to the opening night premiere of the newly released Twilight movie at 12:01 am, I found the theater filled with modestly dressed teenagers and their long-short sporting mothers. (Not to mention the fact that this sea of cap-sleeved tees all sported the words “TEAM JACOB” on them.) I really believe every female church member in my non-Utah city (yes, including myself and my playgroup mom-friends) came out of the crevices to scream at Robert Pattinson (Edward) and swoon at Taylor Lautner’s (Jacob) dreamy long hair. (Note to Moms: Taylor Lautner is also that adorable little boy from the 2005 Shark Boy and Lava Girl DVD that we pop in for our kids to watch when we need some peace and quiet. Pre-pubescence, of course.)
What is it about the Cullens family that reverts us back to our pre-teen days? That I am not quite sure, but I can say difinitively that this series qualifies as “stuff mormons like” and a cultural phenomenon that personally blows me away.
Wedding invitations
So, your standard Mormon wedding invitation ALWAYS has a cutesy engagement photo of the cute Mr and Mrs to-be cuddled up on the lawn (beach/mountain/whatevers clever for where in the US they happen to live). I have yet to receive an LDS wedding invite that does not have a photo included. This is not a normal thing in the Non-LDS wedding world. Yes, they’ll do engagement photos, but hardly anyone actually sees them outside of family and the couple themselves. But not Mormons, they share with everyone! Because of course, you want to see who your childhood friend (or younger brother or sister or cousin of your childhood friend) is going to marry!
And we mustn’t forget that almost all of these invites also have two different reception locations because the wonderful couple most likely met at Ricks College or BYU and live in totally different states, with families who are both willing to drop a lot of money to have receptions in both areas.
And these receptions are usually very different from non-LDS receptions (receiving line not-withstanding, as mentioned in another post) in that they are usually filled with TONS of young children, running around and having a great time in their Sunday best.
John and Kate Plus 8
I have to admit that when I saw the initial promos for “John and Kate” my reaction was - why would anyone want to see that? Surely mothers who have a bunch of kids running around all day would look for a way to escape rather than flip on the tv for more of the same. Obviously I underestimated the “it could be worse” and “grandmother” factors. For those Mormons who have not seen the cutest little eurasians (Jam-Pong) east of the Pacific, John & Kate plus 8 (J&K+8) is a reality show that chronicles the ups and downs of a family “blessed” with two sets of multiples - 2 twin daughters and a set of septuplets.
Count The Kids Advertisements
“Whoever has the most kids in their family raise your hand?… Seven!? Wow, I could’ve sworn that I counted nine little pairs of flip-flops on the back of your mothers mini van.”
“Oh, I see. The big pairs of shoes represent your parents, and the little shoes represent you kids. Isn’t that precious.”
Okay. Let’s not kid ourselves. The real reason that all the stay-at-home housewife’s are flourishing in their vinyl decals business’, is not because they are crafting loads of plaques with vinyl wording that says “Home is where the heart is.” It’s because they’re crafting little stick figures, or turtles, or flip flops for Mormons to put on the back of their massive SUV’s or over accessorized mini vans. These stickers are usually placed directly above the license plate frame that reads; “RULDS2?”, “Brigham Young University Alumni” or the lesser, “Crimson Club”. Mormons love to how off how many kids they they have by putting a sticker up for each child. The bigger the sticker, the older the child. All the way down to the tiniest of tots. Sometimes even the dog or cat get’s one. It’s their way of saying to everyone on the road, “I’m Mormon, are you?” If your lucky, you can even find these outside of Utah, most often in Mesa, Las Vegas, Boise or Orange County. When stickered vehicles pulls alongside another, they can look at each other and give the “your one of us” smiles.
vinyl lettering
i have to admit the first few times i saw this new mormon fad i though “oh that’s kinda cute”. but once i started seeing cheesy sayings and quotes in every room, it was too much.
Talent Shows
They might be painful to watch (note the following video), but you have to admit there are some hilarious acts that grace the stage of the cultural hall. We talked our 6 year old son into reciting Kenny Roger’s song “The Greatest” (he’s big into baseball) and we just had enough time to get it memorized…but no time to work on “presentation” 
If you feel like watching just know that:
Read the rest of this entry »
Surviving General Conference
No need to duct tape your kids to the couch (or their beds) this weekend! Here’s a 15 page packet for them to work on during General Conference (or for the little ones to cut, rip, tear etc…) There is also a link to it online (thanks Dad and Ade for sharing)
http://www.sugardoodle.net/mambo/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1882&Itemid=406
(You can also email me: m_holdsworth1@yahoo.com and I’ll send you the .pdf file…the ones online are pretty big and take awhile to download)
Potluck Please??
On second thought…maybe not. The last 2 potlucks our ward has had were missing something…hmmm what was it….Oh! wait…FOOD!!!
Potlucks are a huge event here and usually have a great turn out…so great that you don’t recognize over half the people there–as in you’ve never seen them before and will never see them again (except for the 12 missionaries that are scarfing down overflowing plates at their table). The last potluck we had I made enough taco salad to feed 20 people…it required 2 bowls. I was NOT going to run out of salad. My friends even made fun of me. At the end of the night there was not even a speck of lettuce left…incredible!!! I’m thinking we’ll stop at Jack in the Box before the next one
Unique Names
Honestly only Mormons and Celebrities come up with the most random names. Although both very random they do it differently. Celebrities just use normal words like tree, apple, and cocoa and think hey im going to name my kid that. But mormons they make up their own words they find a good name and think of every possible spin off of that name. Example: Riley, Eiley, Raely, Briley, Kiley, Mylee , Baylee. Maddison - Addison. Hannah- Tanna. Kym - kymber - kymberlee - Bymberlee. Okay I could go on, but honestly after doing some research go to this site it says it all. Oh yes and the most important of all you have to spell it different even if you have a good ole’ fashioned name it has to be spelled differently Michelle - Mischelle
The Utah Baby namer
An online help for parents looking for that distinctive
name that says “I’m a Utah Mormon!” http://wesclark.com/ubn/
Gotta love it!
Pseudo Swear Words
I grew up on the central coast (SLO) so in school I was exposed to the typical teenage foul mouth, but when I went to Rick’s College after high school, I learned that mormons have a unique yet pervasive (at least among guys) ability to create words that in some way resemble swear words. “Fetch,” “Flippin,” “Frickin,” or my favorite and the most creative of them all: simply “F.” This last one can actually be applied to pretty much any other swear word making it the most useful and most prevalent in the pseudo swear word dictionary.
Examples like “A,” “Dumb-A,” “B” or even the gerund form “F-ing” really show you that the possibilities are virtually endless. Although I was somewhat confused by all this when I first got to Ricks, I soon learned and occasionally even practiced the mormon art of pseudo-swearing.
Excessive blogging and scrapbooking
What do stay at home moms do with all that time on their hands. Well they scrapbook and do cute little crafts. Then after they make those cute crafts they post them on their blog for everyone to see! And now scrapbooking has gone digital so their blogs are their very own perfect little scrapbook. Then they go around excessively commenting on everyone’s blog and we all tell each other how cute we are and how creative we are and pretty much just make ourselves feel great and inadequate at the same time! It’s huge and again is very hot among mormon stay at home moms. Okay so we all do it but hey it is pretty crazy!
Brian Regan
Who knew that there were such loyal and vigorous consumers in the niche market for “clean comedy.” I’ll have to admit, I’ve seen some of his stuff, and it is pretty funny, but what is more funny is how the mormon community can so whole-heartedly latch onto a comedian, just because he is “clean.” I applaud the efforts because I know there is alot of trash out there in stand-up, but sometimes it feels like mormons adore this guy simply because he is clean; whether or not he is actually funny. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard: “He’s a stand-up comedian… But He’s Clean.” Like cleanliness is what he is selling, not comedy. Like his notoriety comes from the fact that he is clean, not because he is necessarily funny. Either way, funny or no funny, good for him for standing for something. I just wish I could have that kind of notoriety just for being an “honest” lawyer, independent of my competence as one. As a stand-up act, I do think he is pretty funny, but to me his popularity seems like a case of the tail wagging the (comedic) dog.
Family Photos with Matching Outfits
I have a theory about this one. This is a secret sign for Mormons to keep in their homes and offices that will shout to every other Mormon– “look! I’m Mormon! I have a big photo on a grassy hill (beach, mountain, depends on where you live) with my big family in matching outfits!” Other people just see it as a nice picture but the “members” will know what those matching denim tops mean. At my first interview for a teaching position in Orange County I wondered why I had finally gotten called in for an interview when most districts weren’t hiring that spring. Then I walked into the office of the man I had the interview with and I saw it on his desk… the sign. His was on a grassy hill, white tops, khaki pants it was the same exact picture my mother had over her fireplace mantel but with different faces. That sign told me I was in for a good interview. His first question… “so you went to BYU?”
Multi-Level Marketing (Schemes)
This one almost goes without saying, but chances are, if you are mormon or have lived in Utah, you likely have either sold, purchased, or been invited over to a neighbors house for a “special opportunity” involving a MLM scheme. From the perennial classics like Tupperware and Amway to the “new wave” of Mary Kay, Tahitian Noni, Nu-Skin, and Cookie Lee, mormons take the cake as the most overly-ambitious yet naive MLM suckers out there. Don’t be embarrassed that you have purchased something that cost 4 times as much as it should, just because your friend or family member was selling it. You would have felt guilty if you didn’t and they probably could use the money. I mean guilt and pity are the two primary emotions I rely on when deciding what to spend my money on.
Ok, enough sarcasm, but really though, my favorite part is that they don’t consider themselves salesmen - They are “starting their own business” and have titles like “Distributor” or “Beauty Consultant.” Nobody told them that once they have abused every last one of their relationships, trying to sell some over-priced, over-hyped, product, the jig is up; that is, unless you enjoy door to door sales, or cold-calling the phone book. I mean how many sets of Cutco knives or Pampered Chef pitchers can one family use?
Why mormons are particularly attracted to these schemes beats me. Maybe it’s putting to commercial use, the persuasive techniques learned on the mission. Maybe it’s the idea of working from home (for the stay-at-home moms)? Maybe it’s the ward/stake network that lends itself so easily to this type of network marketing? Maybe its the promise of making lots of money for a little bit of work? I don’t really know, but whatever the reason, it sure is a funny phenomenon.
Layers, Divine Modesty etc.
There are about a hundred different labels out there but really they are just undershirts and they have spread out of control in the mormon comunity. Grandmas to pre-teens are sporting them and loving them!! They are really made to cover up those white things that mormons where under their clothes.
The Stacked Bob
Funeral Potatoes
You obviously have never been to a church funeral if you have never had funeral potatos. In fact, when non-members cook funeral potatoes many actually refer to them as “Mormon Funeral Potatoes.”
The creamy dish, is an odd combination of diced frozen hashbrowns, cheese, sourcream, and cream of chicken sprinkled with cornflakes on top. (Its the cornflakes that makes this yummy combination odd.)
What is the reason this dish has exploded into mormon culture? Well, its easy, its American, its tasty, and its a side dish that can feed an entire ward at a funeral in one foul swoop. After one bite you’ll be hooked, and will be sure to pay your respects next time your ward’s geneaology expert passes on.
For a recipe visit this link.
Obscure Card/Board Games
On the traditional American family game shelf one might find some of the historical classics like Uno or Skip-Bo; maybe Monopoly or Risk. If you are older than 65 you might even find a set of Canasta cards or a Cribbage board. In the typical Mormon household however, it’s more like a game closet rather than a game shelf. Mormons are seemingly obsessed with discovering new and obscure games to play with their family and friends. We take pride in finding the newest and most exciting game out there and being the first to introduce it to others. It’s like your Chris Columbus and you just discovered the New World or something. (Don’t lie… you know the first time you played Settlers you thought you had struck gold). The problem is that for every “hit” game, there are about 5 “misses” - hence the game closet.
American Idol
I think mormons’ fascination with this show is somehow attributed to the forced piano/singing lessons of their youth. Regardless of the actual musical ability of mormons, they still feel some affinity toward the everyday person standing on the stage and making the best of those wasted childhood afternoons.
I know for many mormons, American Idol is just another aspect of the (soon to be discussed in separate posts) mormon fascinations of watching fellow mormons on TV and also, being able to spot the mormon in the crowd. It seems that every year on the show there is a new mormon competitor that the community unites behind and inevitably forces that mormon into later rounds based merely on their religious affiliation.
Now, I am sure that most readers are going to give me crap for saying that childhood music lessons were wasted. Maybe I am just bitter because I was promised that it would become useful when I served my mission, but unfortunatly served in a place without pianos.
Wedding Reception Lines
I love being Mormon and I pride myself in being a convert. Getting sealed in the temple was one of the happiest days of my life, and I would never change a thing about it. But when I joined the church, I had no idea what I was in for when it came to Mormon wedding receptions. Every wedding I went to from that point on was completely different than the ones I grew up with.
You might assume that I am talking about the lack of alcohol at weddings. You are, however, incorrect. I actually appreciate the bride not getting hit on by some estranged drunk uncle. The problem resides with the dreaded “wedding reception line.”
Every Mormon reception, no matter how ellaborate, has a reception line. When you first walk into a mormon wedding reception, everyone immediately shuffles into a very long line. You find yourself waiting hours, behind your entire stake, and every church member who had ever talked to the bride, the groom, or their parents. By the time you get to the front, your feet hurt, and the line behind you is so long that when your best friend, the groom, sees you, all he can do is shake your hand and say “sorry dude, talk to you later,” and pass you off to hug his mom.
Please someone tell me why the church has adopted wedding lines into its culture. Who was the first one to say, “hey, I have an idea, I think it will be fun if all 300 people in this cultural hall stood in a long line, waiting to shake the happy couples hand.” Come on….this was not inspired, people.
